Even though I had a lot to be anxious about during the lockdown: have lupus, I recently had a kidney transplant, I’m from a BAME background and work in the NHS. Being advised to shield wasn’t the worst thing I’ve had to do and there was something soothing knowing everyone was in the same boat of trying ‘keep calm and carry on’.

That being said, lockdown was not the most pleasurable experience either, it was manageable and definitely not enjoyable but I was safe and more importantly well, so my energy and focus went into staying that way. Having recently received a kidney transplant I also felt I owed it to my donor family to be even more vigilant with protecting this precious gift I’ve been given and followed shielding strictly. I have always had my food delivered and am very used to shopping online since my lupus made it unbearable to go shopping, I switched to a prescription delivery service, was able to work from home and only left my home for appointments.

Living alone was definitely bittersweet, I did have enough emotional support throughout lockdown and while what’s app conversations and facetime calls are great, I missed the face to face interaction with other people, but decided to concentrate on the fact that I was also in a privileged position of not having additional anxiety of trying to control who someone else had come into contact with. I also feel I should give a shout out to my sister at this point who definitely deserves a trophy for all the shopping drop off’s and face to face checks in’s by my wall and the little treats like driving down to me to drop off a cupcake or a magazine when I was feeling a little down.

For me it became harder as lockdown eased and shielding remained. All my home tasks had been done (some having been on my things to do list for years). The memories of empty shelves, toilet paper hunts and food shopping delivery slot roulette seemed like a distant memory and were replaced with feelings of being forgotten and isolated but reminded myself I had been here before, where what I wanted to be able to do didn’t match up with what I was actually able to do.

During my three and half years on dialysis I learnt to live differently to the way I had before, that I didn’t need a jam-packed calendar or back to back tasks in order to feel productive and social. Finding a routine/structure could be as simple as reading a book, taking that long hot bath you haven’t had the time or energy to do, trying out a new recipe or simply watching that movie/tv program you have never got around to watching are as important to contributing to a good mental health.

It’s also been a strange feeling to process since shielding ended in August, it feels like I’m two different people, on one side there’s a person who wants to be like everyone else, out and about enjoying half priced meals but the other side knows this pandemic is not over and to be reckless with my health is not an option.

It sometimes feels exhausting to conduct constant risk assessments of what I want to do vs what I need to do and then consider the safest way to do it, or just not do it at all. But with increasing talk of a ‘second wave’ this pandemic has not disappeared, and I am probably the best person to know what feels safe for me and to manage that risk accordingly.

And if there is a second wave, I feel I would be a little more prepared then last time.

@Luppie_Lu